IELTS Writing Sample with Examiner`s comments: Opinion essay
The question for an IELTS writing task 2: an opinion essay
Write about the following topic.
Children who are brought up in families that do not have large amounts of money are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life than children brought up by wealthy parents.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
Student`s answerIt is believed by many people that the capacity of tackling with problems in the adulthood has a negative relationship with the socio-economic situation of the family. In their view, the better the family condition is, the lower the child’s ability is when he or she enters the adulthood. However, I have a different point of view. In my opinion, children’s capacity to deal with harsh situations has a high coincidence with the parenting style and individual’s own efforts, rather than the amount of money the family owns.
The parenting style has a great impact on the child’s capacity building. Although the children who are brought up in poverty-stricken family may encounter more problems and difficulties, it does not directly lead to the development of one’s ability. When the children are at their ages, it is very vital and necessary for them to develop the positive attitude towards harsh realities as well as strategies to deal with problems under the proper guidance of parents. And this process can take place in either rich or poor family.
The development of one’s ability also lies in his or her own efforts. When the children encounter various problems, it is important for them to acquire appropriate knowledge and techniques to analyze the problems and come up with better solutions through his or her own efforts. It is not very related with the family background, but with the individual’s attitude, i.e. whether he or she would like the learn and improve the capacity or not.
Undoubtedly, whether children are raised up by poor or wealthy parents, they must encounter different types of problems on the way to the adulthood. Under the proper guidance of parents and through their own’s efforts, they will build capacities to tackle with problems and difficulties step by step.
Examiners` comments:Task Response
The writer shows that he/she understands the question. A clear position is presented throughout the response.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ideas are logically organised and there is a clear progression throughout the writing. The writer commences with a full introduction and brief position, going on to justify this position in two self-contained paragraphs with clear central topics before finishing with a clear conclusion.
Substitution and referencing could be more sophisticated throughout.
“would like the learn and improve …”
“ … on the way to the adulthood …”
Despite occasional errors in word choice, such as “when the children are at their ages” and “high coincidence”, there is a sufficient range of vocabulary for precision and flexibility, for instance:
“… negative relationship with the socio-economic situation of the family.”
“… parenting style and individual’s own efforts …”
“… positive attitude towards harsh realities …”
“… child’s capacity building.”
“… poverty-stricken family …”
Grammatical Range & Accuracy
There are a variety of complex structures. A few grammatical errors persist but these do not hinder understanding.
“… it is very vital and necessary for them to develop the positive attitude towards harsh realities as well as strategies to deal with problems under the proper guidance of parents.”
“When the children encounter various problems, it is important for them to acquire appropriate knowledge and techniques to analyze the problems…”
Overall score: 7 Sumber https://englishahkam.blogspot.com/